Expectation, Dis-encouragement, Dreams

So--long time no see, ne~
I've been work my ass hard for my last term test.. But then, the outcome is a bit--shocking..
So--in my senior year, I've been struggling in increasing my mark for Physics, History and Chemistry. All of them are-a bit difficult for me to understand in the senior year. So, after my WSDC Training Camp, I've been really struggling on those 3 aspects. Yet, it doesn't really change anything.
I do know that those change wouldn't be THAT significant, but I do want a change. Yet, even if I did all what those fckn' teacher want, its not even changed--just slightly change into another new score, 1 point above the previous score. Pathetic.
And these things, make my mom seriously angry. Yeah, I do deserved to be scolded but then, there's no need for dis-encouragement. I hate to be underestimated. Because I know that I can do this, but its just I'm not doing it maximally because of certain things. That's why the reason why  I cried like there's no tomorrow back then is that--how she accused me for not gonna make it through my Senior High. How she even betting on me, for not gonna reach my dream to be in Bandung. How she's even said certain things like--well, how moronic I am, how I'm talking bullshits, etc. Here's the thing. Fyi, I've been working my ass hard. If I have to do those things, even if  I'm not actually required to join those things, I'm still there, for the sake of my score. Yet, those bitches seriously not taking mine. They have personal problem with me. Screw them. But then, screw myself too ahahahah
The point is that, I'm still keep struggling with these, even if she already said may bad things to me. There's no point for me to keep regretting these things. I'll never reach my dream w/o working hard for these.. So--I'll keep praying for this, and keep strugglin' to reach my dream.. Wish me luck ne~ :)

Je Souhaite et si Seulement

I wish he is mine.
I wish he is not liking me only for lust.
I wish I'm not different from him.
I wish he stay longer with me.
I wish he hold my hands like what he always did to me.
I wish he hug me like he always did.
I wish he kissed me with such tenderness.
I wish he know that I'm missing him.
I wish he know that even as friend I need him.
I wish I'm not this egoistic and too deep into him.
I wish I'm not only wishing for this.

If only he is mine
If only he is not liking me only for lust
If only I'm not different from him
If only he stay longer with me
If only he hold my hands right now
If only he hug me right now
If only he kissed me passionately right now
If only he know that I'm missing him
If only he know that even as friend I need him
If only I'm not this egoistic and too deep into him
If only I'm not only daydreaming about this

...fuck this is so ubergalau hahahahahahah
screw you mind!!
SANITY Y U NO WORKING PROPERLY ASDFGHJKL w(OAOw)

おげんきですか～？

こんばんわ～～～～
Aaaah, missing you my uberangst blog *glomps*
Recently, there's been many things happened to me.. Anyway, yesterday, my dream to do some cosplay have been com true!! And I'm so freakin' famous B) #superglad

Hmm--well, there's a reason why I wanna do some ramblings here..
Uberangst thingy. Yeah yeah, you know, I'm just this melancholic *sigh*

Well, the thing is--he's been avoiding me, and I'm accustomed w/ it. Its just being so freakin' usual thing for me if he's not even talk/say something to me.. Therefore, it does brought into the real life..
When he's avoiding me, I was also struggling to find our limitation between him&I. Its hard. Because in fact, my ideal world&heart seems to be a bitch for saying that our relationship must have no limitation at all.
Screw you mind..
Yeah well, when I do finally get those limit,I'm trying hard to accustomed into those things. I'm starting to learn how to not bother him, to not always thinking about him, and also a little bit try to move on. Kinda success but not that effective. If I'm gonna make a scale from 0-100, then it will be like 20. I told ya guys.. *sigh*

Now, back into yesterday.
I was so damn happy, blessed and super--glad to now that he's seriously here.
But--those limitation thingy sure is screwing up my mind.
Now, seeing his stat on how he's feeling like completely stranger, makes me like--I've forgot about him THIS well.
...uhm--well, if you read what I written above properly, you know your impression would be 100%--no, 80% wrong.

Basically, I'm just that kind of person who like to showing off. That's why those impression surely linger in me.
Although I'm trying to talk to you with those full awkward aura mode and still being scorned, uhm--I'm still happy tho can talk to you in such a bit comfortable way in our current relationship.

Well, Noir, don't get me wrong.. If you wanna talk, just talk!!! >3<
It makes me feel REALLY bad .__________.

Random Thoughts

Ohisashiburi~
Been a long time since I wrote my mind over this blog.
Recently, my life's changing. Finally, I can overcome my fear towards NSDC. I'm in 24 best speaker. Thanks God for Your blessing :')
So--well, in this time--I won't talk about NSDC tho..
Something recently bother me--like hell :|

===============================================

Err--so, here's the thing.
My feelings towards Noir is still lingering CLEARLY. Like hell--even if I'm trying to forget him, every aspect of places always successfully reminding me about him :'|
It's like, automatically, wherever I go, I'll actually remember that those places are related to him and suddenly makes me galau all over again. Devil circle, nuff said.
W-well, also my fault to suddenly try to get in touch with him--again. Darn it! He's trying his best to forget me, why do I even bother him .____.
I feel like--being so cruel towards him. But I can't help it. My sanity lose towards my selfishness .____.
So--after somehow in contact with him for merely 2 days, suddenly, another silent therapy. I know that this is gonna be happened. But why I'm still hurt for it :'( It pisses me off like hell.
Partly, this is my fault. I should give my apologizes right.. ._____. *send message*
Hope this is--right things to do ._______________________________.
ZOMG I'M SO OVERLY GALAU oTL
It'll be a lie if I'm not missing him... I miss him like hell. Terribly X'|
But only to this extend--when he's willing to talk to me is already something really precious for me... Only 1 word from him already enlightening my day.. I might wanting more--but still--in the end, I still can control my feeling to not crossing over the border.. And also still--it makes my day.. X'|
DAKARA!! It hurts when he's talking to others--while I'm in the conversation and being ignored.. Is he bullshitting me with false promises of being friends after break-up X'|
It hurts.. If there's any other word to describe my feeling--being more than hurt, I'll use it. Definitely..

Other things.
Some other days ago--I found the truth that he's being unfriended me.. COOL!!
Successfully makes me like--crying over something not important..
I do REALLY know his reason for doing it. He's trying to forget me of course! I know.. He's trying to not influenced.. I know it.. But still--it hurts.. Then suddenly he request being friend--again. I do feel like--somehow he himself is not certain by his own desicion. My question would be--why? Why bother doing so If you're gonna--like forgetting me.. The 'you' I know recently is someone who doesn't even care whether I'm hurt or not.. Then why you did so.. It makes me confused--and a lil bit gimme false hope. Stupid me for somehow overtaken by it hahahah. Pathetic.

I do childish. Ask many things to be mine. Not really taking others opinion seriously, not really wanted to be lose. Wanting more and more, greedy, lust, pride are overtaken me like hell..
I do demand a question--for you..
Like--seriously.
I need explanation on WHY--you're doing this..
I demand explanation for WHAT about your sweet promises which is already fooling me like successfully about being friend? Set your parameter for us being a friends is looks like what exactly..
You owe me an explanation, Noir.. BUNCH of explanation..
This kind of foggy relationship is harmful for both of us, I know that you're understanding this well..
Just please, can't you just explain it..?
I will--as your requests some times ago--accept your decision. I won't complain..
Just tell me reasons behind all of this things..

New Layouts, New Header, New Self ♥ ♥ ♥

Good evening, minna-san~ :D
I'm baaack~~~
Today is my last day of studying hard, anyway~ X3
I'm glad that this damn-cursed Mid-term test will be done tomorrow~~!! TOMORROW!!! MWAHAHAHAHAHA #psycho
Anyway, my Blog, Sadhvi's Scratch have a new layout~~ TRATARARAAAAA~~~
Good isn't it? :3
I love the design though.. Thanks to Ghamdan for reminding me of the layout that almost messed-up, in the first time..
Yeah well, and also, something else is changed again. Guess what? The Sub-header~~!! The name of this blog will still remain Sadhvi's Scratch. But the sub-header? I'm planning on change it occasionally~ :3
Hmm.. What else? Oh yeah, I'm changed~ INTO BLACK ROCK SHOOTER~~ #shot
No, I-I mean, I'm changed. My personality, my behavior.. Well, why, I'll later explain in my argument *?* #debatingmodeon

========================================
So, today.. I have so many things to tell.. =))
First of all, I PASSED THE NATIONAL SELECTION OF AFS~~~ GYAAAAAA~~~ I'LL GO TO FOREIGN COUNTRY KYAAAAAAAAAA #overreacted
Please, pray for me, ne~~~ I do REALLY HOPE that I'm success here.. :D
Then.. Well, talking about Mid-term.. Err--I don't want to talk about it... Especially for today.. Allergic to Mid-Term.. >____>
Err--and then.. Oh, I saw many good anime lately.. Such as High School of the Dead *ecchi though*, Durarara *ALL HAIL IZAYA *?**  Kuroshitsuji *CIEEEEL SEBASTIAAAAAAN~~~ *faints**
Well, okay I'll stop this before something beyond imagination happened. -_____-
Yeah, I'm enjoying my time though, when I'm pressured doing those letter for the dearest Host Family.. :3
Hope I can do all the best~! :D
And... Err--Talking about October.. This month is somehow nostalgic .____.
Make me brought back into my glorious past with ノイール and somehow make my heart aching and missing something lateluy. It feels like, I'm hurt but I'm just--okay.. I don't know.. .____.
WELL, PENSAGA IS COMING SOON~~~ #suddenlychanges
Hope this pensaga would be a reaaaaally great festival :D
GANBATTE COMMITTEE~~~ :D
And also... Err--what else? I don't have any idea... OH YEAH!!!
My wish for now on:
1. Have a new EPIC headphone~ :3
2. Have a Polaroid~~ X3
3. Have a really nice experience before I'm apart with my friends *if I'm really going there*

Well, I guess... This is it.
I'm off okay.. I want to learn some more about Chemistry~ :D
Wish me Luck!!! :D

My Life Lately

Hello everyone~~~ I'm in a good mood since Sunday~ lalalalala~~
Well, maybe because one of my bestest friend lecture about move on and yadayada :3
I love being her friend~ X)


Anyway~
My life seemed peaceful since Sunday. I have no more regrets, though I'm still dreaming about it.. My relationship with ノイール and 데니스 are going reaaally well. :)


I don't have anymore feeling to 데니스. For real and no jokes, I'm just admire him. Really. Well, he got a girlfriend already and his girlfriend is my fangirl partner so yeah yeah XD I don't want to make my friends sad and feel betrayed. :) What an angel I am~! XD
Anyway, congrats to both of you... Longlast with your relationship~! Happy to hear that both of you are liking each other. Its a bit annoying when seeing both of you not making any move, when others actually know that both of you are liking each other. Please take responsibility for making me annoyed. :|
Bwahahahahaha~~ XDDDDD 


And about ノイール... :)
I feel that, yeah... I should just giving up about him. Because whatever I do, he won't coming back. ^^
Make my self in peace for 1 day, sure make my mind clearer than before. :)
I guess, I can move on :)
For your sake, and for my own sake... What I can't leave to do to you is care about you... Its--okay, ne?
I want us to be like this--forever :)
A really close friend, though our past is... Somehow pathetic.. :')
Promise me, search for me if we are reborn hehehe~ I'll search for you~! Definitely~! ♥ ♥ ♥
So, don't forget about me even in your after-life :3
I'll try to not forgetting you and keep my memories about you even if I'm reborn. :3a
Though I guess its a difficult things to deal with God. .____.
Anyway, thanks... For your good response to me. Somehow, remind me of the old days of us :')
But, I'm okay... ^^
I love it when you are smiling at me~! Makes my heart calmer :)
But, I dislike fake smiles, you know... So, if you have any burden in your heart, tell me. :)
I'll try to be a good listener for you..
Well, I'm sorry though... If some of my attitudes makes you annoyed, feel troubled and burdening... I'm really sorry... Would you forgive me, ノイール? :')
I promise to try not to repeat the same mistake...
And also... Thanks... for all the experience you gave to me. :)
I'll treasure it in my heart... My precious treasure all the time~! ♥ ♥ ♥


Well, anyway, my life today seems sooooooooo blue. -____-
My bag was left by Tita gracefully. In the library. -____-
That dammit cursed SMAGA library... It IS really a cursed place. -_____-
Hate those library so much. -____-
Hope my bag and binder alright, alone in the locker number 23 =3=


And oh, today, I hate particular person. Tararararara~~
She's sure make my nerves in the edge of it ^___________^
Fortunately, ノイール makes my mood better. He's sure IS a mood buster~! *gyuuuuto* ♥ ♥ ♥


Ah, Writer's block... -_____-
I don't know what to write, anymore...
Oh yeah, recently, I can't take care my RPF Account... Sorry for Ryokubita, RoD and SHI ne? oTL
I have to take care J-Soul Matsuri 3, that comes in... 5 days? oh, 4 days--I guess :Oa
I'll take care it after Mid-term, ne~? *shot*


Well, that's all for today, I guess.. :)
Good luck for your match today, 데니스.. I bet you'll be really blue if you lose the match... -___- Well, happy blue-ing then if you lose... hahaha XD Just nag your girlfriend. She'll hear you..
But if you win, congrats... Thanks for giving our uhukdammituhuk great lovely school the best :)
*though I never really see you play basketball gyahahahaha~*


Have a nice day for tomorrow and FOREVER, ノイール~! *gyuuuuto* ♥ ♥ ♥
I love it when you're energetic.. ^^
I love it when you're smiling happily and makes many move hahaha *?*
Anyway, enjoying the headphone, aren't you? :3
Its comfortable isn't it~? isn't it~~? hahaha
Well, just wait for 8 days more~! I have surprise for you ;)
Wait and see~~! :D
*surprise aren't supposed to said--right? XDD Well, let it*
Hope you have a nice dream~ ^^
Oyasumina--
AH~! You aren't forget to dinner--aren't you? D:
And... If you can't make the sticker done in time, tomorrow, I'll help you.. Don't worry.. :)
And also, GANBATTE for you Math test~! Wish you are lucky tomorrow, ノイール~ X)
Then, oyasuminasai my dear~ :") *gyuuuuto gyuuuuuto chu~* ♥ ♥ ♥

akhir2 ini, jujur, aku speechless. Aku ngga habis pikir, kenapa aku diginiin.
Mulai dari nada bicaranya, gimana dia ngeliatin aku, gimana dia ignore aku padahal aku jujur nanya apa yang dia maksud. Seakan2 aku dia ngasih tau aku secara ga langsung *dan itu beneran buat hati kerasa diiris2* kalo dia gamau aku pengen tau/ikut2an soal apa yang dia lagi omongin. Rasanya sakit, tapi aku cuman bisa nahan perih&panasnya mataku yang udah mulai nge-blur.
Aku juga ngga tahu kenapa. Dia sikapnya ke aku dingin.. Banget, menurutku.
Aku serasa punya banyak banget kesalahan.
Iya, aku dulu emang nyebelin, egois, childish, ga mau dengerin orang, oh! Mungkin malah sampai sekarang. Tapi aku selalu nyoba buat minta maaf dan memperbaiki. Wajarlah namanya manusia, dia lupa kalo di udah janji karena moodnya dia. Tapi aku mohon, jangan pasang wajah itu lagi. Wajah yang nunjukkin seperti aku itu orang yang paling bersalah di dunia. Manusia itu ngga ada yang sempurna. So, please.... Don't make those kind of face. It hurts me.. A lot.
Tapi itu emang hak mu buat pasang wajah kayak gimana. Aku cuma... Berharap aja. Itu pun kalo kamu dengerin aku, apalagi kamu kan lagi ignore aku banget.
Ini aja... Mungkin..
Thanks, anyway. Walau tadi wajahmu suntuk banget waktu nganter aku, but i'm really happy just by your side :')